FIRST LOVE PART 16- ROLLER COASTER

Read Part 15 here

“End of January saw a lot of busy time. Projects, assignments, rushing to the library now and then, late night studies and along with that a lot of student activities. This even brought good times for our relationship. We were together most of the times.  Every morning I woke up with a rejuvenating feeling. Working together, running around, fighting over small issues spiced with the occasional staring and smiling at each other, the accidental yet not so accidental touching of hands and then retreating away made my day. I loved the workload, I didn’t get tired, I looked forward to all of it.

It was peppered with our daily talks at night. We discussed about the work, about the people around, we laughed at our mistakes, at our stupidity, we joked about little matters, stuff which no one other than us would understand.

I was happy. Finally things were taking a positive turn.

Those were good times, situations were changing.

Hopes were returning. I finally was relieved that everything was turning out fine.”

Smriti was smiling. I just gazed at her. I was confused. I didn’t know whether to be happy seeing her smile or be sad for her. I didn’t know why, but by what I heard, I didn’t quite like the guy. I felt he was playing with her emotions. Her heart was going through a roller coaster ride. One moment she was happy, next moment she was sad, again the next moment-happy. Still she wanted to hang on, I didn’t know why. Why did she love him so much?

Slowly I saw the smile on smriti’s face fade off, I didn’t know why. I kept my hand on her shoulder.

“The next week he was busy. He didn’t text. I didn’t mind at first. I knew that he would be tired from all the work we did last week. I knew that things were better between us now. I didn’t want anything to ruin this moment. I was ready to take things slow.

But then a few days later, I started to get worried. He wasn’t texting much. Even when I texted, he either didn’t reply or our conversations didn’t last much long.

One day when he wasn’t replying to my messages I called him up, he disconnected the call.

I was upset, I felt like crying and shouting out loud. Still I didn’t misbehave, I maintained my calm. I explained myself he might be busy with some work, he would call up as soon as he is free.

He didn’t call.

I cried the whole night that day.

I knew there was something wrong, things weren’t right. I didn’t want to ruin it further, I just want to hang on to the threads. I was still trying to make it work.”

The next night he texted me”, saying this Smriti burst out crying.

FIRST LOVE PART 15- COMPLAINTS

Read part 14 here

I couldn’t bear it any longer, the pain was excruciating. My love was killing me every passing moment. I realised it’s of no use keeping quiet. My heart was brimming to the top with complaints and I had to bring them out. I had to tell him.

What was my fault in all of this? It wasn’t my fault. He was the one who didn’t call me. He was the one who was confused and I was the understanding one every time. Does supporting your love in his problems and confusions wrong? If I am not wrong, why should I suffer?

Why didn’t he call me? Didn’t he love me anymore? Was all that I did, all the plans of working things out in vain? I wasn’t angry, I was just upset.

I couldn’t hold it any longer. I had to finally speak up-

Me: Why didn’t you call me for so long?

Him: Was a little busy.

I could feel the anger burning a hole in my brain. He was so busy that he couldn’t find out a little time for me?

Me: What kept you busy for such a long time?

Him: Was studying for a interview.

I dropped the matter then and there. The last thing I wanted was to pick up a fight on this issue. Though it was the last thing on my list yet I wanted it.

Me: happy birthday

Him: thanks

You remember?

Me: why shouldn't I remember, your birthday brings a lot of memories.

Him: Like?

Me: I prefer keeping that to myself

Him: Nahi bata na

Me: There’s loads of them, infact everything about us.

Him: hmm.

Me: And how situations have changed with times

Him: Nahi aisa nahi

I will explain you

Whenever we meet

He has said that endless time. I have even lost count of how many times he had promised me to explain his life, his problems to me, but never did. I knew even this time it was fake, but still had little hopes.

Me: Hmm will wait.

I understand

You seem to keep a lot to yourself

Him: Hmmm.

Me: And you fall asleep while talking. You don’t have time for me.

Him: Why are you complaining so much today baby, you never do.

Me: Achcha you are the one who doesn’t text for a month, and dozes off while chatting, what should 

I do?

Him: Aisi baat nahi hai

You know leave it

It’s all my fault

I didn’t know it would rebounce back so badly. I had to make it right.

Me: I never said it’s your fault

I know there are a lot of complicacies and problems in your life

And I want to work them out with you together

Him: There are no problems, I don’t want to work out.

He went offline after that.

I went to sleep after that. I wasn’t in a mood to do anything. Whatever work I sat with, my mind drifted off towards him. I didn’t want to think about it. I always had this feeling that things turn out well in the morning after a good night’s sleep.”

FIRST LOVE PART 14 - WAKING UP

Read part 13 here

“As I saw his name flashing on my phone, I went in a state of shock. I didn’t know what to do. My heart stopped beating. I could feel a lump forming in my throat. I was scared and I was confused. It was 2 a.m. 

After a few moments of oblivion, I picked up the phone.

Me: Hello

As I heard his voice, I didn’t know what happened to me. His voice melted my heart. It seemed like a decade since I had talked to him.

Him: Hi, kaisi ho?

I didn’t know how to react. What to reply. What should I tell him? That I wasn’t well, how could I even imagine being well without him? The first time when I fell in love, I didn’t for once imagine how life could be without him. And now I have got a taste of it. It killed me slowly as each day passed. I couldn’t bear to live the pain.

I wanted to cry to him, to accuse him of forgetting me.  But then I didn’t want to fall weak before him. He didn’t call me for three weeks. He didn’t care for me. Why should I be the understanding one every time? I agree that he has some previous relationship issues, that he still has feelings for his first love. But then he was my FIRST LOVE, why couldn’t he understand what I felt? I was angry.

So I replied curtly-

Me: Thik thak, koi kaam tha?

Him: Nah, q?

Me: Nahi achanak phone kiya isliye

Him: Kyun, aisehi nahi kar sakta.

I was seriously pissed of this time.

Me: Nahi, nothing like that, normally you don’t call, so I thought ki may be koi kaam tha

Him: Nahi re, was missing you.

Aur batao, kya kar rahi thi?

Me: Kuch nahi, baas aisehi was sitting idle”

Till date I don’t know why I didn’t tell him the truth that night that I was sleeping. I knew if I said that, he would tell me to go back to sleep and not talk anymore.

But then he had called after so long, how could I miss the opportunity to talk to him?

My heart and brain were standing at two opposite poles.. My brain said not to fall weak for him, but as soon as I listened to his voice, as I felt him close to me, my heart fell weak.

I loved him too much. I couldn’t afford to lose him. This call had given me a new light of hope and I was prepared to try my best to keep the candle glowing.

But there was another truth. The past three weeks had changed me. This time, it’s not just my heart; even my mind was taking a crucial role in my life, my decisions.