FIRST LOVE PART 12- LOVE,ANGER,PAIN

Read Part 11 here

“Vacations were over. Ahh! The feeling of getting back to college, the independence. No more going to bed early, no more messaging him secretly without Mum getting to know.

I forgot to mention, after that day we chatted online, things were going well between us. Whatever little time we got, we were happy with that, each of us understood the other’s limitations.

But I had to remain a little safe from my mum. She has this habit of keeping an eye on my phone as to how many guys I talk to, anyone can be my prospective boyfriend. Sometimes she really used to get to my nerves”, Smriti was laughing.

-“Will you please stop talking about your mum and continue with what happened next?” I was getting irritated as she was dragging it so long. It’s already 4 am and none of us have got any signs of sleepiness. Four empty coffee mugs were lying before us on the window sill.

-“Hmm sorry, so I got back to college, a little early because of all the troubles of the registration. He had told me he would return two days later. That means, he would be on the train back to college now and all his phones are supposedly switched off. So no talking to him until he was back.

I wasn’t upset this time. I knew that atleast there won’t be any time problems or network barriers in between. There were no exams also. So we could spend a lot of time with each other. I got busy in setting up my room and all the running around for registration and all.

But he didn’t text me for a week. Not even for two weeks. He wasn’t even replying to my messages. I am not much comfortable talking to people on the phone, so I was a little hesitant in calling. I stayed online the whole day, days after days, just to catch hold of him online.

After one week, I found him online-

Me: Hey

Him: Heyya

Me: Kya baat hai ajkal no messages?

Him:  Kuch nahi. Aisehi, baas maan nahi karta

I was shocked. How could he say something like that? Didn’t he have any responsibilities towards our relationship? Didn’t he care for me? First he doesn’t text me, and then when I ask him, all he has to answer is this! Now my supportive, submissive feelings were turning towards anger. I started feeling as if all this was a mistake. All the things he told me that night came flashing by through my mind.

Did he meet her during the vacations? Has something started growing between them?

I suddenly had a feeling he was using me, and I was letting him do so.

Me: Why? Is everything ok?

Him: Yeah, Baas thoda busy.

I didn’t care this time. I was filled with anger. Let him not call me. I don’t care. At least I don’t have to suffer. What was my fault in this? That I fell in love with a man who loved someone else? That I cared about the feelings of a man who couldn’t care for me any less? That I didn’t behave like another girl would have done if her boyfriend told her that he loved someone else? BOYFRIEND, yes, that guy was my boyfriend!!!” Smriti was shouting at me now, as if I was guilty.

I kept my hands on her shoulder trying to calm her down. I could feel her choked voice, mixed with sorrow, anger, and regret.

“Me: ok, jab free raho, call me.

He didn’t  call.

I felt liked crying. I cried every night. I kept my cell-phone on the loudest mode and woke up in the middle of my sleep innumerable times to check if he had texted or called.

But all in vain. Every morning I woke up, I could still feel my eyes were wet. I cried in my sleep too.

I knew this was supposed to come to a end someday. And it would hurt a lot then. The later it is, the more it would hurt. But I don’t know why, I didn’t want it to end so soon. I was preparing myself for the pain it would bring on me.

I was living in a world of dreams.”

FIRST LOVE PART 11- @HOME

Read Part 10 here

"It had been a week since we had talked. I had got used to it. I didn’t mind going to sleep without talking to him. After all I was at home, with my parents. I couldn’t afford to be emotional lest they would be worried. I didn’t know why for the first time, I was happy being at home, being with my parents. I loved this dependence. I didn’t feel like I was being choked. I wanted my parents to be over-protective and dominant over me, question each step I took. For the first time in my life, I started loving what I had hated for twenty years. Why? Did I become too vulnerable? Was my love making me weak?

I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything. I just didn’t want to think about it. I wanted to run away, run away from everything, run away from this place where everyone knows me, and run away from life, from truth. I wish I could run away from myself.

I was not talking to him. I was not even courageous to show my tension in front of my parents. So in the vacations I found solace in my laptop. I used to sit with it all day, reading, surfing the net etc.

One day while I was checking my mails, he pinged me

Him: hey

My breath stopped for a moment. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I didn’t know what to do next. After a few seconds of oblivion I typed-

Me: Heyya

Him: Kaisi ho?

Me: Fine, and u?

Him: Me too.

Me: Kya baat hai, aj bahut dino baad meri yaad ayi?

Him: Kya karu, kaam ka pressure. Naya number nahi mila hai, purane pe roaming lag rha hai. Kitna 

bura na?

Me: Koi nahi, sad mat ho. Jab baat kar paoge, interest ke saath waasul karenge.

Him: Okay J

My stupid heart. It just can’t be angry on anyone for long. Just that little chat and I was back on track. I 

didn’t doubt my love, my decisions. I was happy, and less scared.

A few days later he got a new number there. We were back to texting. It wasn’t as good or passionate as old times. There were a lot of problems. Firstly, I am not allowed to stay up late nights. He used to be late while returning from work. He used to get tired so dozed off as soon as he returned home. When he woke up, I had already gone to sleep. And even if we got over all these problems and managed to text each other, the network sucked, so half of the times the messages didn’t use to get delivered.”

 Long distance relationship became tough for us with so many boundaries. Still we did our best. I knew the situation was tough, he was confused, our relation was vulnerable. A lot of times I was confused, I wanted to give up, to end it all. I wasn’t able to bear the pain, but I was even scared of the pain of being without him.

 I didn’t want to give up. I was ready to work on it, to give it my best."

FIRST LOVE- PART 1 : END OR BEGINNING

I woke up at the middle of the night by the sound of faint sobbing, sometimes getting louder. It was 2:30 am. At first I thought I was dreaming. But then when I turned to my right, I saw Smriti pushing her face down in her pillow and sniffing. I was scared. I had no idea what this was about.

I didn’t go to her. I was in a state of shock, not knowing what to do. I am always bad at handling crying people. So I got up, sat in my bed, still cuddled under my blanket as it was cold and asked timindly,

-“Hey are you ok?”

She started snobbing louder. My mind wasn’t working right. I was scared as to what has happened to my roommate at this hour of the night. I gathered the courage and got down from my bed and got into hers. I slowly moved her fingers through her hair. I didn’t talk, I just let her cry.

She got up and hugged me tight and started crying loudly. I hugged her tightly and protectively. I was getting curious but I didn’t speak anything as I knew she was in a very vulnerable state. I just sometimes spoke in the middle trying to calm her down.

After 15 minutes she stopped crying. But she still got the sobbing fits. I urged her to calm down. I took her to the washroom which was just opposite to our room and made her wash her face. I even gave her some water to drink. She was getting calm.

We didn’t go inside the room. I felt the aura might not be good for her. Instead i took two chairs and sat with her beside the water cooler in front of the window. We were just gazing out of the window. I didn’t say a word. I didn’t want her to cry again.

After around 10 minutes or so, she spoke

-“I need to talk to you, I mean I need to talk to somebody I can confide in. Please promise it will just be a secret between the two of us, and you won’t ask me any questions”

-“you can trust me. Tell me everything.”

-“I had a break-up just now”

And a tear rolled down her eye.

P.S- Next part coming on 9th March.....