FIRST LOVE PART 17- THE LAST NIGHT

Read Part 16 here

I was sleeping tonight when I heard my phone beeping; I woke up with a start. It was him

He: hi

I stopped breathing. It stops every time I see his name in my cell. A strange feeling of happiness and ecstacy gets over me. I was crying, I was happy, still I didn’t know why I was crying. I needed him, why couldn’t he understand? He was sick and that made me miserable, why didn’t he realise that I wanted to take care of him, I wanted him to be fine, I can’t see him unfit.

I wiped my tears and slowly typed

Me: Hey how are you now?

He: Too bad

I was worried, I hurriedly replied back

Me: Did you see a doctor? Are you taking your medicines on time?

He: yeah, but there’s no improvement.

Me: Visit another doctor, maybe that would help.

Him: I don’t want to talk about my health, it pisses me off.

I realised how disturbed he might be. I didn’t want him to be sad.

Me: Don’t worry, just give me a hug and you will be fine.

Him: No, I don’t want a hug.

It came as a bolt from the blue; I didn’t know why he was behaving like this.

Me: What happened? Is everything ok?

Him: I think we should be just friends.

My heart stopped beating. I didn’t know what he wanted to say. I didn’t want to know. I just stared at the 

message, I didn’t know how to react.

Me: Ok

And I dumped my face in my pillow and tried to sleep. The monster was eating me up inside.

After what seemed like a decade, my phone beeped again. I didn’t want to see what it was, I was scared 

beyond words.

Him: Please try to understand, this is not right, nothing is right.

I realised what he meant, I was desperately praying to god that maybe I was wrong. I didn’t feel like talking 

to anyone then, I didn’t feel like living. I didn’t want to believe what he was saying. I didn’t want to face life, 

face the truth. Somehow with trembling hands, I typed-

Me: I understand, and you are not well, go to sleep.

I somehow had the feeling, that this is all a nightmare, and everything would be fine in the morning.

The phone beeped again. This time I felt like throwing it away, I didn’t want to talk to him now, I didn’t want to face all he was saying. I felt like shouting at him but I was too weak for that.

Him: I don’t know, I still love her.

My mind went blank, I was tired, I didn’t want to argue, I didn’t want to ask anything

Me: Then you should go to her.

Someone was pushing a dagger through my heart. Each word I said, I don’t know why I said them, I just know how each of them stung me. I felt like punching through the wall, pushing my face in the pillow and crying out loud. Every part of me was getting heavier. My mind was dumb. I don’t know what made me say all that.”

I could see Smriti sobbing again. Her voice was choked, she had handed me the phone. Tears were flowing through her eyes, they didn’t seem to stop. I didn’t know what to say, how to console her.

I read the rest of the message in silence, and then I deleted the whole conversation from her phone. Every little part of my body was trembling with anger. I hated this guy, I didn’t want him to hurt her anymore. He was a bastard, he had hurt the person who loved him the most, he broke her trust.

I didn’t know how could Smriti let him go, she loved him so much, she fought for her relationship so long, how could she give up without one last fight, how could she just let him go like that?

“If you loved him so much, how could you let him go so easily?”

-“I don’t know why I said all that. I wish I had stopped him, I wish I had fought back. .

Maybe I didn’t love him enough to keep him to me but cared for him enough to let him go”, she hugged me and started crying.

I didn’t know what to say. I just hugged her tight. Even I felt like crying.

-“Hey can I ask you something?”, she stammered.

-“ Sure dear”, I didn’t know what was on her mind.

-“Is it possible that all this is a bad dream and everything will still be okay when I wake up?”, she begged me.

I just hoped it was just  a bad dream for both of us. I didn’t know what to answer

-“Just go to sleep dear, everything will be fine when you wake up”, and I took her to her bed and made her lay down.

But I couldn’t sleep. I just gazed at her all night. I just wished she hadn’t been so innocent.

It was 13th February...

P.S- We come to an end here, thanks to everyone for sticking along and your valuable comments, hope you liked it

FIRST LOVE PART 15- COMPLAINTS

Read part 14 here

I couldn’t bear it any longer, the pain was excruciating. My love was killing me every passing moment. I realised it’s of no use keeping quiet. My heart was brimming to the top with complaints and I had to bring them out. I had to tell him.

What was my fault in all of this? It wasn’t my fault. He was the one who didn’t call me. He was the one who was confused and I was the understanding one every time. Does supporting your love in his problems and confusions wrong? If I am not wrong, why should I suffer?

Why didn’t he call me? Didn’t he love me anymore? Was all that I did, all the plans of working things out in vain? I wasn’t angry, I was just upset.

I couldn’t hold it any longer. I had to finally speak up-

Me: Why didn’t you call me for so long?

Him: Was a little busy.

I could feel the anger burning a hole in my brain. He was so busy that he couldn’t find out a little time for me?

Me: What kept you busy for such a long time?

Him: Was studying for a interview.

I dropped the matter then and there. The last thing I wanted was to pick up a fight on this issue. Though it was the last thing on my list yet I wanted it.

Me: happy birthday

Him: thanks

You remember?

Me: why shouldn't I remember, your birthday brings a lot of memories.

Him: Like?

Me: I prefer keeping that to myself

Him: Nahi bata na

Me: There’s loads of them, infact everything about us.

Him: hmm.

Me: And how situations have changed with times

Him: Nahi aisa nahi

I will explain you

Whenever we meet

He has said that endless time. I have even lost count of how many times he had promised me to explain his life, his problems to me, but never did. I knew even this time it was fake, but still had little hopes.

Me: Hmm will wait.

I understand

You seem to keep a lot to yourself

Him: Hmmm.

Me: And you fall asleep while talking. You don’t have time for me.

Him: Why are you complaining so much today baby, you never do.

Me: Achcha you are the one who doesn’t text for a month, and dozes off while chatting, what should 

I do?

Him: Aisi baat nahi hai

You know leave it

It’s all my fault

I didn’t know it would rebounce back so badly. I had to make it right.

Me: I never said it’s your fault

I know there are a lot of complicacies and problems in your life

And I want to work them out with you together

Him: There are no problems, I don’t want to work out.

He went offline after that.

I went to sleep after that. I wasn’t in a mood to do anything. Whatever work I sat with, my mind drifted off towards him. I didn’t want to think about it. I always had this feeling that things turn out well in the morning after a good night’s sleep.”

FIRST LOVE PART 14 - WAKING UP

Read part 13 here

“As I saw his name flashing on my phone, I went in a state of shock. I didn’t know what to do. My heart stopped beating. I could feel a lump forming in my throat. I was scared and I was confused. It was 2 a.m. 

After a few moments of oblivion, I picked up the phone.

Me: Hello

As I heard his voice, I didn’t know what happened to me. His voice melted my heart. It seemed like a decade since I had talked to him.

Him: Hi, kaisi ho?

I didn’t know how to react. What to reply. What should I tell him? That I wasn’t well, how could I even imagine being well without him? The first time when I fell in love, I didn’t for once imagine how life could be without him. And now I have got a taste of it. It killed me slowly as each day passed. I couldn’t bear to live the pain.

I wanted to cry to him, to accuse him of forgetting me.  But then I didn’t want to fall weak before him. He didn’t call me for three weeks. He didn’t care for me. Why should I be the understanding one every time? I agree that he has some previous relationship issues, that he still has feelings for his first love. But then he was my FIRST LOVE, why couldn’t he understand what I felt? I was angry.

So I replied curtly-

Me: Thik thak, koi kaam tha?

Him: Nah, q?

Me: Nahi achanak phone kiya isliye

Him: Kyun, aisehi nahi kar sakta.

I was seriously pissed of this time.

Me: Nahi, nothing like that, normally you don’t call, so I thought ki may be koi kaam tha

Him: Nahi re, was missing you.

Aur batao, kya kar rahi thi?

Me: Kuch nahi, baas aisehi was sitting idle”

Till date I don’t know why I didn’t tell him the truth that night that I was sleeping. I knew if I said that, he would tell me to go back to sleep and not talk anymore.

But then he had called after so long, how could I miss the opportunity to talk to him?

My heart and brain were standing at two opposite poles.. My brain said not to fall weak for him, but as soon as I listened to his voice, as I felt him close to me, my heart fell weak.

I loved him too much. I couldn’t afford to lose him. This call had given me a new light of hope and I was prepared to try my best to keep the candle glowing.

But there was another truth. The past three weeks had changed me. This time, it’s not just my heart; even my mind was taking a crucial role in my life, my decisions.

FIRST LOVE PART 12- LOVE,ANGER,PAIN

Read Part 11 here

“Vacations were over. Ahh! The feeling of getting back to college, the independence. No more going to bed early, no more messaging him secretly without Mum getting to know.

I forgot to mention, after that day we chatted online, things were going well between us. Whatever little time we got, we were happy with that, each of us understood the other’s limitations.

But I had to remain a little safe from my mum. She has this habit of keeping an eye on my phone as to how many guys I talk to, anyone can be my prospective boyfriend. Sometimes she really used to get to my nerves”, Smriti was laughing.

-“Will you please stop talking about your mum and continue with what happened next?” I was getting irritated as she was dragging it so long. It’s already 4 am and none of us have got any signs of sleepiness. Four empty coffee mugs were lying before us on the window sill.

-“Hmm sorry, so I got back to college, a little early because of all the troubles of the registration. He had told me he would return two days later. That means, he would be on the train back to college now and all his phones are supposedly switched off. So no talking to him until he was back.

I wasn’t upset this time. I knew that atleast there won’t be any time problems or network barriers in between. There were no exams also. So we could spend a lot of time with each other. I got busy in setting up my room and all the running around for registration and all.

But he didn’t text me for a week. Not even for two weeks. He wasn’t even replying to my messages. I am not much comfortable talking to people on the phone, so I was a little hesitant in calling. I stayed online the whole day, days after days, just to catch hold of him online.

After one week, I found him online-

Me: Hey

Him: Heyya

Me: Kya baat hai ajkal no messages?

Him:  Kuch nahi. Aisehi, baas maan nahi karta

I was shocked. How could he say something like that? Didn’t he have any responsibilities towards our relationship? Didn’t he care for me? First he doesn’t text me, and then when I ask him, all he has to answer is this! Now my supportive, submissive feelings were turning towards anger. I started feeling as if all this was a mistake. All the things he told me that night came flashing by through my mind.

Did he meet her during the vacations? Has something started growing between them?

I suddenly had a feeling he was using me, and I was letting him do so.

Me: Why? Is everything ok?

Him: Yeah, Baas thoda busy.

I didn’t care this time. I was filled with anger. Let him not call me. I don’t care. At least I don’t have to suffer. What was my fault in this? That I fell in love with a man who loved someone else? That I cared about the feelings of a man who couldn’t care for me any less? That I didn’t behave like another girl would have done if her boyfriend told her that he loved someone else? BOYFRIEND, yes, that guy was my boyfriend!!!” Smriti was shouting at me now, as if I was guilty.

I kept my hands on her shoulder trying to calm her down. I could feel her choked voice, mixed with sorrow, anger, and regret.

“Me: ok, jab free raho, call me.

He didn’t  call.

I felt liked crying. I cried every night. I kept my cell-phone on the loudest mode and woke up in the middle of my sleep innumerable times to check if he had texted or called.

But all in vain. Every morning I woke up, I could still feel my eyes were wet. I cried in my sleep too.

I knew this was supposed to come to a end someday. And it would hurt a lot then. The later it is, the more it would hurt. But I don’t know why, I didn’t want it to end so soon. I was preparing myself for the pain it would bring on me.

I was living in a world of dreams.”