FIRST LOVE PART 13- HOPES

Read Part 12 here

“Time passed by. My anger had turn into depression. I had given up all hopes. I was hurt. I was tired and depressed and sick. I wasn’t able to get his thoughts out of my head. His memories made me cry. I wasn’t able to sleep properly. I used to wake up after every hour and check my cell phone for any message or miss calls or even the faintest signs of him. I used to wake up every morning with tears in my eyes.

My heart felt empty. I didn’t feel like doing anything, or talking to anybody. I didn’t want to live, but still I had to keep that smile on my face, I didn’t want anybody to find out about my miseries.

I wasn’t ready to accept my failure. I wasn’t ready to accept that he wasn’t mine, that he had left me for someone else. I loved him a lot, I had given my heart to him and it was too late for me to take it back.” Smriti was sobbing again.

I didn’t want to hear anymore. I was bursting with anger. That coward bastard. How could he do this to my friend? He doesn’t even know how to break-up? Ohh yes, wait he does, don’t call for a week and she will understand!! This is what he does to my friend, Play with her emotions, trample her innocence, use her! I was really pissed off at him now. I was hoping Smriti doesn’t tell me his name else I would go and kill him.

And why not? What has he done to deserve to live? He played with her emotions. That guy doesn’t deserve to be loved; he doesn’t know what the meaning of the word love is. He tortured her mentally, and she let him do it. And today, a day before Valentine ’s Day, he broke up with her! This is what you give to a person who loves you this much. I didn’t know about Smriti, but I will never forgive this guy.

Is this what she had deserved? What was her mistake? That she fell in love, true love with a person who didn’t deserve it? Didn’t she deserve to spend one Valentine ’s Day with her FIRST LOVE? She must have had so many plans for tomorrow.

It was becoming difficult for me to hide my tears. I wasn’t able to take it anymore. How could she carry so much pain in her heart for so long and never even allow anyone to get a hint of it? But then I couldn’t cry. How could I cry before Smriti? She needed me now, I had to be strong.

I was lost in my own thoughts when she started narrating again-

“I thought this was the end. But it wasn’t.

Three weeks later...

I remember I was tired that day. So I slept early. And there wasn’t any more reason for me to stay awake too. He didn’t call, and the more I stayed awake and conscious, his thoughts would hurt me more. I wasn’t able to concentrate on any work I did, so I spent most of my time sleeping.

One day while I was sleeping, I felt like I heard my phone ring. I was sleeping soundly. At first I thought I was dreaming, but later I realised it was not.

As I took my phone in my hand, I was in a state of trance. It was 2 a.m. It took me some time to see the name of the caller and realise who it was.

At first I didn’t believe. But then when I realised whose call it was, my heart stopped beating, my eyes were open wide in shock.

I didn’t know what to do. I forgot what we do when we get a call. I was shocked.

It was him...

FIRST LOVE PART 12- LOVE,ANGER,PAIN

Read Part 11 here

“Vacations were over. Ahh! The feeling of getting back to college, the independence. No more going to bed early, no more messaging him secretly without Mum getting to know.

I forgot to mention, after that day we chatted online, things were going well between us. Whatever little time we got, we were happy with that, each of us understood the other’s limitations.

But I had to remain a little safe from my mum. She has this habit of keeping an eye on my phone as to how many guys I talk to, anyone can be my prospective boyfriend. Sometimes she really used to get to my nerves”, Smriti was laughing.

-“Will you please stop talking about your mum and continue with what happened next?” I was getting irritated as she was dragging it so long. It’s already 4 am and none of us have got any signs of sleepiness. Four empty coffee mugs were lying before us on the window sill.

-“Hmm sorry, so I got back to college, a little early because of all the troubles of the registration. He had told me he would return two days later. That means, he would be on the train back to college now and all his phones are supposedly switched off. So no talking to him until he was back.

I wasn’t upset this time. I knew that atleast there won’t be any time problems or network barriers in between. There were no exams also. So we could spend a lot of time with each other. I got busy in setting up my room and all the running around for registration and all.

But he didn’t text me for a week. Not even for two weeks. He wasn’t even replying to my messages. I am not much comfortable talking to people on the phone, so I was a little hesitant in calling. I stayed online the whole day, days after days, just to catch hold of him online.

After one week, I found him online-

Me: Hey

Him: Heyya

Me: Kya baat hai ajkal no messages?

Him:  Kuch nahi. Aisehi, baas maan nahi karta

I was shocked. How could he say something like that? Didn’t he have any responsibilities towards our relationship? Didn’t he care for me? First he doesn’t text me, and then when I ask him, all he has to answer is this! Now my supportive, submissive feelings were turning towards anger. I started feeling as if all this was a mistake. All the things he told me that night came flashing by through my mind.

Did he meet her during the vacations? Has something started growing between them?

I suddenly had a feeling he was using me, and I was letting him do so.

Me: Why? Is everything ok?

Him: Yeah, Baas thoda busy.

I didn’t care this time. I was filled with anger. Let him not call me. I don’t care. At least I don’t have to suffer. What was my fault in this? That I fell in love with a man who loved someone else? That I cared about the feelings of a man who couldn’t care for me any less? That I didn’t behave like another girl would have done if her boyfriend told her that he loved someone else? BOYFRIEND, yes, that guy was my boyfriend!!!” Smriti was shouting at me now, as if I was guilty.

I kept my hands on her shoulder trying to calm her down. I could feel her choked voice, mixed with sorrow, anger, and regret.

“Me: ok, jab free raho, call me.

He didn’t  call.

I felt liked crying. I cried every night. I kept my cell-phone on the loudest mode and woke up in the middle of my sleep innumerable times to check if he had texted or called.

But all in vain. Every morning I woke up, I could still feel my eyes were wet. I cried in my sleep too.

I knew this was supposed to come to a end someday. And it would hurt a lot then. The later it is, the more it would hurt. But I don’t know why, I didn’t want it to end so soon. I was preparing myself for the pain it would bring on me.

I was living in a world of dreams.”

FIRST LOVE PART 11- @HOME

Read Part 10 here

"It had been a week since we had talked. I had got used to it. I didn’t mind going to sleep without talking to him. After all I was at home, with my parents. I couldn’t afford to be emotional lest they would be worried. I didn’t know why for the first time, I was happy being at home, being with my parents. I loved this dependence. I didn’t feel like I was being choked. I wanted my parents to be over-protective and dominant over me, question each step I took. For the first time in my life, I started loving what I had hated for twenty years. Why? Did I become too vulnerable? Was my love making me weak?

I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything. I just didn’t want to think about it. I wanted to run away, run away from everything, run away from this place where everyone knows me, and run away from life, from truth. I wish I could run away from myself.

I was not talking to him. I was not even courageous to show my tension in front of my parents. So in the vacations I found solace in my laptop. I used to sit with it all day, reading, surfing the net etc.

One day while I was checking my mails, he pinged me

Him: hey

My breath stopped for a moment. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I didn’t know what to do next. After a few seconds of oblivion I typed-

Me: Heyya

Him: Kaisi ho?

Me: Fine, and u?

Him: Me too.

Me: Kya baat hai, aj bahut dino baad meri yaad ayi?

Him: Kya karu, kaam ka pressure. Naya number nahi mila hai, purane pe roaming lag rha hai. Kitna 

bura na?

Me: Koi nahi, sad mat ho. Jab baat kar paoge, interest ke saath waasul karenge.

Him: Okay J

My stupid heart. It just can’t be angry on anyone for long. Just that little chat and I was back on track. I 

didn’t doubt my love, my decisions. I was happy, and less scared.

A few days later he got a new number there. We were back to texting. It wasn’t as good or passionate as old times. There were a lot of problems. Firstly, I am not allowed to stay up late nights. He used to be late while returning from work. He used to get tired so dozed off as soon as he returned home. When he woke up, I had already gone to sleep. And even if we got over all these problems and managed to text each other, the network sucked, so half of the times the messages didn’t use to get delivered.”

 Long distance relationship became tough for us with so many boundaries. Still we did our best. I knew the situation was tough, he was confused, our relation was vulnerable. A lot of times I was confused, I wanted to give up, to end it all. I wasn’t able to bear the pain, but I was even scared of the pain of being without him.

 I didn’t want to give up. I was ready to work on it, to give it my best."

FIRST LOVE- PART 10: VACATIONS

Read part 9 here

I was still upset when I got up in the morning. Last night I tried to call him a lot of times, but the network sucked. I even sent a few messages, but I knew they were in vain. He didn’t reply to messages most of the time.

Since the first day I came to this college, I never liked going home. I liked hostel life more. I liked being with friends, the independence. When the rest used to be very excited whenever vacations came, I was the one who went to depression. No one ever understood why I was like that.

But this time, the vacations were different. I wanted to rush back home as soon as I can. I wanted to go and hug my parents. I wanted to run away from everything-college, friends, Independence, him. I didn’t know why I behaved like that. I thought I was happy with him. But as the vacations were approaching, I realised I wanted to be with my mum more than I wanted to be with him. I felt that I would love to get some sleep at night more than spending it talking to him. I didn’t know why I wasn’t enjoying it anymore.

I was the one who said that I wanted to fight for my love till my last breath. I was the one who wasn’t ready to give up. Was my determination making me hollow from inside? Was it making me weak? On one side I still wanted to be with him, but on the other hand I wanted to break free of it all, to give it all up and run back to my parents. I didn’t know why I felt like this, why I was doing this. The only thing I knew was that I needed to spend some time away from all this, with my family.

I was supposed to leave at 10 am. I remember him asking whether he could go with me to the railway station a few hours before the train came so that we could spend some time together before I left. We were both upset with the cancellation of our date.

But that wasn’t possible. My parents never let me travel alone. They always came to pick me up. So we even had to cancel that plan. I was badly upset.

Even before I left for home, I tried calling him up a number of times, but somehow the calls never connected. Now that’s what is called bad luck. The clock struck 10. With a heavy heart I took my bags and left for home.

Whenever I tried calling, I always got the message that his phone was switched off. So I stopped trying. I thought that there must be some problem with his phone, and he was as disturbed as I was. I knew he would call as soon as he could.

But he didn’t call.

I dunno why but I wasn’t worried or tensed this time. I don’t know why not talking to him didn’t upset me. I knew I had come home to get away from all the worries and tensions this relationship gave me so I didn’t call him.

We didn’t contact each other for a few days. I knew my reasons but I didn’t know his. I realised it’s been a long time and that I should call him. As soon as I took my cell and searched through my contacts to find his name, I realised that I didn’t have the number he used at home. I only had the college number which was supposed to be switched off while he was at home. I dropped my cell on the bed with a sigh. Now the only hopes left for me was to wish that he would call me.

How could I be so stupid that I forgot to take his number before I left?” Smita thumped her foot on the window sill.

-“Then? What happened? You got his number?” I asked.

“I waited, he didn’t call”

P.S.- Next part on 15th April :)